A Bitter Cleveland Fan Responds to the Questions Asked in the new LeBron Rise commercial

26 10 2010

The wind let out of the sails
No update in months, epic fail
The blog was dead, covered in flies
“But still, like air, I rise.”

Consider me invigorated. There has been a lot of hype over this new LeBron commercial. Was it well done and even a little humorous? I don’t know. Well, maybe. A little.

But the guy asks a lot of questions in the 90 second video, and no one seems to actually address his questions.

Since I thought this was a little rude, I thought I might help LeBron out and give him the answers he was so desperately looking for:

LeBron James: What should I do?
Bitter Cleveland Fan:
Thats a little broad. Try again.

LBJ: Should I admit I made mistakes?
BCF:
Oh, absolutely. Yes. You really should. But where to begin? Game 5? 6? The Decision? Its a tough call.

LBJ: Should I remind you I’ve done this before?
BCF:
What? Stared at your high school’s trophy case? I’m not impressed.

LBJ: What should I do?
BCF:
Again. Broad.

LBJ: Should I tell you how much fun we had?
BCF:
It was fun at first, but you never finished the job. And as any guy can tell you: Blue Balls are NOT fun.

LBJ: Should I really believe I ruined my legacy?
BCF:
Wipe that smirk off your face. You at the very least tainted it. You’ll never be considered in the conversation of Best Ever with MJ anymore (even Kobe for that matter). They stayed and won in the same place. Built a team around them. If you want to go to South Beach and have fun with your all-star team of friends, that is fine. I don’t care, really. Just don’t expect your legacy to remain what it once was, or seemed destined to be, that’s all.

LBJ: What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?
BCF:
Holy crap. Stop.

LBJ: Should I get my tatoo removed?
BCF:
This is actually a really good call. Either get it removed, or make an addition: have them change it to “CHOSEN 1/3.”

LBJ: Want to see me shiny new shoes? Should I just sell shoes?
BCF:
I’d rather open a picture message from Brett Favre. Thanks, but no thanks.

LBJ: Should I tell you I am not a role model?
BCF:
We know this because you’re eating a strawberry frosted donut on TV? That was the stupidest joke in the whole bit. Seriously though, it is not up to you whether or not you want to be a role model: you already are. It was up to you to be a good one, or a bad one.

LBJ: Should I tell you I’m a championship chaser?
BCF:
Yup.

LBJ: Should I be who you want me to be?
BCF:
Cry me a river.

LBJ: Should I accept my role as “The Villain”?
BCF:
This actually wouldn’t be a bad idea for you. Just make sure you choose a different nickname than “The Villain.” It’s taken.

LBJ: Maybe I should just… disappear?
BCF:
I’m fine with it. But I’d settle if just your knee cartilage disappeared.

LBJ: Should I stop listening to my friends?
BCF:
Yes. Absolutely. LRMR might be the worst marketing agency ever. I can promise you “The Debacle”, err… “The Decision” will live in infamy in marketing texts as a classic textbook case of the-worst-strategy-ever. Congratulations, Maverick.

LBJ: They’re my friends.
BCF:
I get that. It’s just that they are stupid friends.

LBJ: Should I take up acting?
BCF:
Should I let my publicist lead me to believe Don Johnson is still relevant? (thanks ktz).

LBJ: Should I read you a soulful poem?
BCF:
I like mine better.

LBJ: Should we just clear the decks? Start over?
BCF:
Sorry, what is done is done. People may think this commercial is clever, but they still think you’re a dick.

LBJ: What should I do? Should I be who you want me to be?
BCF:
Enough with the pity party already, LeBron. You are free to play wherever you want to play. Seriously, I mean that. It’s not up to us where you wanted to play. It was up to you. Just don’t be salty or shocked that what you wanted doesn’t match up with the legacy you wanted.

You can determine your career, LeBron. But it is your fans that determine your legacy.

– Sam Toth

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Manny Acta: Baseball Mastermind?

2 06 2010

I’ve already made it clear in “Acta’n a Fool” that I’m a HUGE Manny Acta fan. His masterful coaching against the Yankees on May 31st is a perfect example of the kind of astonishing strategy that Tribe fans should expect from him and that he made a name for himself by in Washington.

"ARod, your stats look like they could use a pick-me-up. May I be of some service?"

In fact, the coaching he did is valuable testament to the kind of impact managing has on a baseball game and is why the position is so damn important.

In the 7th inning, down only 1 run to the New York Yankees, Acta made the astute choice to just end the game. Read the rest of this entry »





Who Will Replace Mike Brown? 5 Coaching Candidates The Cavs Should Consider

24 05 2010

The Cavaliers fired Mike Brown last night. So who is going to replace him?

Conventional wisdom says they’ll go for a high-profile, well established head coach. I agree with the conventional wisdom. We already tried the “rising assistant” approach and failed.

Who will replace Mike Brown?

I know Mike Brown’s resume says he is the most successful head coach in Cavaliers history. But no other coach had LeBron James. The bottom line is that he won zero rings, made baffling in-game decisions in critical times and became a lightning rod for jokes to national sports writers such as Bill Simmons.

Regardless, as is with all break ups, the best thing to do is move forward and not look back. Waiting…1…2…3… Yup! I’m good with it. Time to move on.

Like all things this Cavaliers offseason, the coaching search will center around LeBron.

Here’s the Catch-22:

  • The Cavs want to hire a high-profile coaching candidate in order to help persuade LeBron to stay in Cleveland.
  • No high-profile coaching candidate is coming to Cleveland unless LeBron is for sure staying in Cleveland.

It’s a classic chicken-and-the-egg conundrum. For Cavaliers fans eagerly waiting, its a vicious circle.

Nonetheless, here are the five coaching candidates that the Cavs should consider: Read the rest of this entry »





A Closer Look: Justin Masterson

21 05 2010

Time for another breakdown, the most enjoyable yet (which also means the longest). If you are looking for a quick read, put this on hold. But, when you are craving some baseball later today, load this guy up, sit down, concentrate, and enjoy yourself while you follow me through a jungle of ambiguity to a clearer view of Justin Masterson’s 2010 campaign.

Justin, how does your "xFIP" stack up?

This article begins with my boy Dave, the Super 7 Foundation’s 2010 ‘Best Young Chef’ award winner and fellow Lebrontourage columnist, asking me about Tribe starter Justin Masterson: “break him down Z. He K’s dudes but lets up too many hits. And, it’s like he doesn’t trust the fielders.” What’s Masterson’s deal, head case? Get ready for the most complicated statistics (mathematically and theoretically) we’ve used yet (I’ll ease them in) and let’s take a closer look.

Dave’s first observation is that Masterson “K’s dudes.” Indeed he does. At 9.63 K/9 he has the 9th highest rate of strike-outs for any starter in the bigs (min. 40 IP). Masterson is striking out over a batter an inning, which means strike-outs account for 1/3rd of the outs he gets. Thank God, because he isn’t getting many other guy’s out.

When guys aren’t striking out, most are getting on base. Masterson is allowing an average of 11.25 hits per 9 innings pitched (H/9). Which, confirms Dave’s 2nd observation- “dude let’s up too many hits.” Typically, you want your pitchers closer to 8 and hopefully more like 7 H/9. Read the rest of this entry »





What Is LeBron King Of? A Response To Cowlishaw

19 05 2010

I had to share this.

Last week, Tim Cowlishaw of The Dallas Morning News wrote an article slighting the Cavaliers superstar, posing the question: “What exactly is LeBron James the king of?”

It is undeniable that something was wrong with LeBron in Games Four, Five and Six. But to belittle his achievements in Cleveland over the past seven years seemed like an ignorant move from an oblivious columnist sitting behind a desk over 1,000 miles away.

In an email thread among some family members, my Uncle Von — originally from Ohio but now living in Texas — decided to weigh in. He gave his thoughts regarding LeBron’s perfomance and offered a resounding vindication of the nickname that has always been at the center of much ridicule: Read the rest of this entry »





Hopelessly Devoted: A Look At the 30th Annual Browns Backers Banquet

19 05 2010

As I nestled into my seat at the dinner table of the 30th Annual Browns Backers Banquet, I noticed a young couple setting up camp as well. They had brought their baby with them, sporting an infant sized Cribbs jersey and everything.

“Starting him off early, I see?”

“Oh yeah,” the mom responded with a quiet laugh.

“Seems a little cruel and unusual to do to a baby. Save him while you still can!” My Dad joked.

“No, no! He’s going to help change Cleveland’s luck!” Both parents countered, with a hint of a chuckle… but one could tell they were entirely serious.

And with that little baby in the Cribbs jersey, the everlasting fountain of Cleveland sports optimism continues. Read the rest of this entry »





Acta’n a Fool: What is the real plan?

19 05 2010

One of the reasons you will currently find happy, drunk Browns fans abound in an otherwise depressed city is that with the addition of Mike Holmgren, the Browns franchise has embraced a ‘larger picture.’ There’s a plan. No longer will fans have to deal with the topsy turvey and erratic decisions of the yearly carousel of all powerful coaches. No more Butch Davis, no no, Romeo, no no, Mangenious, wait no no, [insert hyped new candidate here]. Stability and vision.

Tribe fans are thinking: “Man, must be nice…”

They might look alike, but Russell from "Up" could still out-manage Manny Acta

Seriously, even in the years of disorder, the year’s with no plan, at least the Browns had some logical coach candidates.

Cooper and Butch were the Urban Meyers, the Steve Spurriers of the late 90s. College coaches just don’t always translate, but it’s worth a shot. Romeo was Savage’s guy and Romeo had pedigree- a Bellichek product; and on the defensive side of the ball no less! Mangenious, same idea: Bellichek tree, rising coach candidate, even some good work with the Jets. Worth a shot. Read the rest of this entry »