A Bitter Cleveland Fan Responds to the Questions Asked in the new LeBron Rise commercial

26 10 2010

The wind let out of the sails
No update in months, epic fail
The blog was dead, covered in flies
“But still, like air, I rise.”

Consider me invigorated. There has been a lot of hype over this new LeBron commercial. Was it well done and even a little humorous? I don’t know. Well, maybe. A little.

But the guy asks a lot of questions in the 90 second video, and no one seems to actually address his questions.

Since I thought this was a little rude, I thought I might help LeBron out and give him the answers he was so desperately looking for:

LeBron James: What should I do?
Bitter Cleveland Fan:
Thats a little broad. Try again.

LBJ: Should I admit I made mistakes?
BCF:
Oh, absolutely. Yes. You really should. But where to begin? Game 5? 6? The Decision? Its a tough call.

LBJ: Should I remind you I’ve done this before?
BCF:
What? Stared at your high school’s trophy case? I’m not impressed.

LBJ: What should I do?
BCF:
Again. Broad.

LBJ: Should I tell you how much fun we had?
BCF:
It was fun at first, but you never finished the job. And as any guy can tell you: Blue Balls are NOT fun.

LBJ: Should I really believe I ruined my legacy?
BCF:
Wipe that smirk off your face. You at the very least tainted it. You’ll never be considered in the conversation of Best Ever with MJ anymore (even Kobe for that matter). They stayed and won in the same place. Built a team around them. If you want to go to South Beach and have fun with your all-star team of friends, that is fine. I don’t care, really. Just don’t expect your legacy to remain what it once was, or seemed destined to be, that’s all.

LBJ: What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?
BCF:
Holy crap. Stop.

LBJ: Should I get my tatoo removed?
BCF:
This is actually a really good call. Either get it removed, or make an addition: have them change it to “CHOSEN 1/3.”

LBJ: Want to see me shiny new shoes? Should I just sell shoes?
BCF:
I’d rather open a picture message from Brett Favre. Thanks, but no thanks.

LBJ: Should I tell you I am not a role model?
BCF:
We know this because you’re eating a strawberry frosted donut on TV? That was the stupidest joke in the whole bit. Seriously though, it is not up to you whether or not you want to be a role model: you already are. It was up to you to be a good one, or a bad one.

LBJ: Should I tell you I’m a championship chaser?
BCF:
Yup.

LBJ: Should I be who you want me to be?
BCF:
Cry me a river.

LBJ: Should I accept my role as “The Villain”?
BCF:
This actually wouldn’t be a bad idea for you. Just make sure you choose a different nickname than “The Villain.” It’s taken.

LBJ: Maybe I should just… disappear?
BCF:
I’m fine with it. But I’d settle if just your knee cartilage disappeared.

LBJ: Should I stop listening to my friends?
BCF:
Yes. Absolutely. LRMR might be the worst marketing agency ever. I can promise you “The Debacle”, err… “The Decision” will live in infamy in marketing texts as a classic textbook case of the-worst-strategy-ever. Congratulations, Maverick.

LBJ: They’re my friends.
BCF:
I get that. It’s just that they are stupid friends.

LBJ: Should I take up acting?
BCF:
Should I let my publicist lead me to believe Don Johnson is still relevant? (thanks ktz).

LBJ: Should I read you a soulful poem?
BCF:
I like mine better.

LBJ: Should we just clear the decks? Start over?
BCF:
Sorry, what is done is done. People may think this commercial is clever, but they still think you’re a dick.

LBJ: What should I do? Should I be who you want me to be?
BCF:
Enough with the pity party already, LeBron. You are free to play wherever you want to play. Seriously, I mean that. It’s not up to us where you wanted to play. It was up to you. Just don’t be salty or shocked that what you wanted doesn’t match up with the legacy you wanted.

You can determine your career, LeBron. But it is your fans that determine your legacy.

– Sam Toth

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Ferry Ships Out Of Town: Cleveland GM Resigns, and its affect on the Cavs

7 06 2010

With the resignation of Danny Ferry this afternoon, the future of the Cavs is thrown into an even deeper uncertainty.

To make an irrelevant YouTube clip relevant, check out this clip:

I think this kind of sums up the Cavaliers off-season right now. It’s utter chaos. The two teetor-totters are like the Coach Search and the GM Search. What makes it all go is the bull, which in this case is obviously LeBron James. Dan Gilbert is like the owner of the rodeo — he makes more money if the bull has its way and comes back for more next week.

Did that make any sense? I swear it did in my head.

Moving on, here are all the questions I’m asking myself after Danny Ferry’s resignation: Read the rest of this entry »





Who Will Replace Mike Brown? 5 Coaching Candidates The Cavs Should Consider

24 05 2010

The Cavaliers fired Mike Brown last night. So who is going to replace him?

Conventional wisdom says they’ll go for a high-profile, well established head coach. I agree with the conventional wisdom. We already tried the “rising assistant” approach and failed.

Who will replace Mike Brown?

I know Mike Brown’s resume says he is the most successful head coach in Cavaliers history. But no other coach had LeBron James. The bottom line is that he won zero rings, made baffling in-game decisions in critical times and became a lightning rod for jokes to national sports writers such as Bill Simmons.

Regardless, as is with all break ups, the best thing to do is move forward and not look back. Waiting…1…2…3… Yup! I’m good with it. Time to move on.

Like all things this Cavaliers offseason, the coaching search will center around LeBron.

Here’s the Catch-22:

  • The Cavs want to hire a high-profile coaching candidate in order to help persuade LeBron to stay in Cleveland.
  • No high-profile coaching candidate is coming to Cleveland unless LeBron is for sure staying in Cleveland.

It’s a classic chicken-and-the-egg conundrum. For Cavaliers fans eagerly waiting, its a vicious circle.

Nonetheless, here are the five coaching candidates that the Cavs should consider: Read the rest of this entry »





Browns Analysis: An Open Letter to the RFAs skipping OTAs

21 05 2010

Dear Mr. Elam, Mr. Harrison, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Roth & Mr. Vickers:

I was displeased to hear that you all have decided to skip the current Organized Team Activities currently underway in Berea. Mr. Roth, I was particularly irritated by you upon hearing of your recent trade request.

The question I have for you all is this: what are you expecting to gain from this no-show?

To Jerome and the other RFAs: think about what you're doing

All of your timing could not be worse. Eric Mangini, your coach who sees you play up close and everyday, has only been around for a year. But the guys who decide whether or not to deliver your paychecks — GM Tom Heckert and President Mike Holmgren — have yet to see you play!

What do you expect them to do? Roll over and commit to you long term financially when (a) they have yet to see you play football since they’ve joined the Browns organizion and (b) during an uncapped year when the effects of such long term commitment remains uncertain?

Such logic is less sound than a broken amplifier. Read the rest of this entry »





What Is LeBron King Of? A Response To Cowlishaw

19 05 2010

I had to share this.

Last week, Tim Cowlishaw of The Dallas Morning News wrote an article slighting the Cavaliers superstar, posing the question: “What exactly is LeBron James the king of?”

It is undeniable that something was wrong with LeBron in Games Four, Five and Six. But to belittle his achievements in Cleveland over the past seven years seemed like an ignorant move from an oblivious columnist sitting behind a desk over 1,000 miles away.

In an email thread among some family members, my Uncle Von — originally from Ohio but now living in Texas — decided to weigh in. He gave his thoughts regarding LeBron’s perfomance and offered a resounding vindication of the nickname that has always been at the center of much ridicule: Read the rest of this entry »





Hopelessly Devoted: A Look At the 30th Annual Browns Backers Banquet

19 05 2010

As I nestled into my seat at the dinner table of the 30th Annual Browns Backers Banquet, I noticed a young couple setting up camp as well. They had brought their baby with them, sporting an infant sized Cribbs jersey and everything.

“Starting him off early, I see?”

“Oh yeah,” the mom responded with a quiet laugh.

“Seems a little cruel and unusual to do to a baby. Save him while you still can!” My Dad joked.

“No, no! He’s going to help change Cleveland’s luck!” Both parents countered, with a hint of a chuckle… but one could tell they were entirely serious.

And with that little baby in the Cribbs jersey, the everlasting fountain of Cleveland sports optimism continues. Read the rest of this entry »





LeBron Touring Chicago Suburbs? Expect this kind of thing.

19 05 2010

This morning on Tony Rizzo (“The Really Big Show” on ESPN 850), it was brought up that the LeBron and his “team” were touring Chicago suburbs today.

Am I upset? Meh.

Am I surprised? Not really.

Did I expect this? Absolutely.

I refuse to read too much into whatever LeBron does over the next two months. He’s going to milk this free agency attention for all its worth. Read the rest of this entry »