A Bitter Cleveland Fan Responds to the Questions Asked in the new LeBron Rise commercial

26 10 2010

The wind let out of the sails
No update in months, epic fail
The blog was dead, covered in flies
“But still, like air, I rise.”

Consider me invigorated. There has been a lot of hype over this new LeBron commercial. Was it well done and even a little humorous? I don’t know. Well, maybe. A little.

But the guy asks a lot of questions in the 90 second video, and no one seems to actually address his questions.

Since I thought this was a little rude, I thought I might help LeBron out and give him the answers he was so desperately looking for:

LeBron James: What should I do?
Bitter Cleveland Fan:
Thats a little broad. Try again.

LBJ: Should I admit I made mistakes?
BCF:
Oh, absolutely. Yes. You really should. But where to begin? Game 5? 6? The Decision? Its a tough call.

LBJ: Should I remind you I’ve done this before?
BCF:
What? Stared at your high school’s trophy case? I’m not impressed.

LBJ: What should I do?
BCF:
Again. Broad.

LBJ: Should I tell you how much fun we had?
BCF:
It was fun at first, but you never finished the job. And as any guy can tell you: Blue Balls are NOT fun.

LBJ: Should I really believe I ruined my legacy?
BCF:
Wipe that smirk off your face. You at the very least tainted it. You’ll never be considered in the conversation of Best Ever with MJ anymore (even Kobe for that matter). They stayed and won in the same place. Built a team around them. If you want to go to South Beach and have fun with your all-star team of friends, that is fine. I don’t care, really. Just don’t expect your legacy to remain what it once was, or seemed destined to be, that’s all.

LBJ: What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?
BCF:
Holy crap. Stop.

LBJ: Should I get my tatoo removed?
BCF:
This is actually a really good call. Either get it removed, or make an addition: have them change it to “CHOSEN 1/3.”

LBJ: Want to see me shiny new shoes? Should I just sell shoes?
BCF:
I’d rather open a picture message from Brett Favre. Thanks, but no thanks.

LBJ: Should I tell you I am not a role model?
BCF:
We know this because you’re eating a strawberry frosted donut on TV? That was the stupidest joke in the whole bit. Seriously though, it is not up to you whether or not you want to be a role model: you already are. It was up to you to be a good one, or a bad one.

LBJ: Should I tell you I’m a championship chaser?
BCF:
Yup.

LBJ: Should I be who you want me to be?
BCF:
Cry me a river.

LBJ: Should I accept my role as “The Villain”?
BCF:
This actually wouldn’t be a bad idea for you. Just make sure you choose a different nickname than “The Villain.” It’s taken.

LBJ: Maybe I should just… disappear?
BCF:
I’m fine with it. But I’d settle if just your knee cartilage disappeared.

LBJ: Should I stop listening to my friends?
BCF:
Yes. Absolutely. LRMR might be the worst marketing agency ever. I can promise you “The Debacle”, err… “The Decision” will live in infamy in marketing texts as a classic textbook case of the-worst-strategy-ever. Congratulations, Maverick.

LBJ: They’re my friends.
BCF:
I get that. It’s just that they are stupid friends.

LBJ: Should I take up acting?
BCF:
Should I let my publicist lead me to believe Don Johnson is still relevant? (thanks ktz).

LBJ: Should I read you a soulful poem?
BCF:
I like mine better.

LBJ: Should we just clear the decks? Start over?
BCF:
Sorry, what is done is done. People may think this commercial is clever, but they still think you’re a dick.

LBJ: What should I do? Should I be who you want me to be?
BCF:
Enough with the pity party already, LeBron. You are free to play wherever you want to play. Seriously, I mean that. It’s not up to us where you wanted to play. It was up to you. Just don’t be salty or shocked that what you wanted doesn’t match up with the legacy you wanted.

You can determine your career, LeBron. But it is your fans that determine your legacy.

– Sam Toth

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4 responses

27 10 2010
General Rambo

Funny, but your still gay.

Toodles

29 10 2010
Adam

Nice Sam.

For me, what makes the spot a total joke is that you have yet another “self-aware”-style ad here. And it’s about someone who has proven himself to be a totally clueless phoney. A little disconnect there?

30 10 2010
Robin

Brilliant, Sam!!! I just saw the advertisement yesterday in the airport! I felt sick to my stomach (and no, I hadn’t eaten gross plane food!). Your response is priceless!

31 10 2010
Teri

Who knew? Little Sammy all grown up and sarcastic. You should write for The Onion. Forget the LSATs.

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