Movin’ on out

5 03 2011

If there is anyone out there still checking the site, we have moved!

New site: Ten Cent Beers.

It’s super awesome because I won’t have to change the domain name after any future decisions!





A Bitter Cleveland Fan Responds to the Questions Asked in the new LeBron Rise commercial

26 10 2010

The wind let out of the sails
No update in months, epic fail
The blog was dead, covered in flies
“But still, like air, I rise.”

Consider me invigorated. There has been a lot of hype over this new LeBron commercial. Was it well done and even a little humorous? I don’t know. Well, maybe. A little.

But the guy asks a lot of questions in the 90 second video, and no one seems to actually address his questions.

Since I thought this was a little rude, I thought I might help LeBron out and give him the answers he was so desperately looking for:

LeBron James: What should I do?
Bitter Cleveland Fan:
Thats a little broad. Try again.

LBJ: Should I admit I made mistakes?
BCF:
Oh, absolutely. Yes. You really should. But where to begin? Game 5? 6? The Decision? Its a tough call.

LBJ: Should I remind you I’ve done this before?
BCF:
What? Stared at your high school’s trophy case? I’m not impressed.

LBJ: What should I do?
BCF:
Again. Broad.

LBJ: Should I tell you how much fun we had?
BCF:
It was fun at first, but you never finished the job. And as any guy can tell you: Blue Balls are NOT fun.

LBJ: Should I really believe I ruined my legacy?
BCF:
Wipe that smirk off your face. You at the very least tainted it. You’ll never be considered in the conversation of Best Ever with MJ anymore (even Kobe for that matter). They stayed and won in the same place. Built a team around them. If you want to go to South Beach and have fun with your all-star team of friends, that is fine. I don’t care, really. Just don’t expect your legacy to remain what it once was, or seemed destined to be, that’s all.

LBJ: What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?
BCF:
Holy crap. Stop.

LBJ: Should I get my tatoo removed?
BCF:
This is actually a really good call. Either get it removed, or make an addition: have them change it to “CHOSEN 1/3.”

LBJ: Want to see me shiny new shoes? Should I just sell shoes?
BCF:
I’d rather open a picture message from Brett Favre. Thanks, but no thanks.

LBJ: Should I tell you I am not a role model?
BCF:
We know this because you’re eating a strawberry frosted donut on TV? That was the stupidest joke in the whole bit. Seriously though, it is not up to you whether or not you want to be a role model: you already are. It was up to you to be a good one, or a bad one.

LBJ: Should I tell you I’m a championship chaser?
BCF:
Yup.

LBJ: Should I be who you want me to be?
BCF:
Cry me a river.

LBJ: Should I accept my role as “The Villain”?
BCF:
This actually wouldn’t be a bad idea for you. Just make sure you choose a different nickname than “The Villain.” It’s taken.

LBJ: Maybe I should just… disappear?
BCF:
I’m fine with it. But I’d settle if just your knee cartilage disappeared.

LBJ: Should I stop listening to my friends?
BCF:
Yes. Absolutely. LRMR might be the worst marketing agency ever. I can promise you “The Debacle”, err… “The Decision” will live in infamy in marketing texts as a classic textbook case of the-worst-strategy-ever. Congratulations, Maverick.

LBJ: They’re my friends.
BCF:
I get that. It’s just that they are stupid friends.

LBJ: Should I take up acting?
BCF:
Should I let my publicist lead me to believe Don Johnson is still relevant? (thanks ktz).

LBJ: Should I read you a soulful poem?
BCF:
I like mine better.

LBJ: Should we just clear the decks? Start over?
BCF:
Sorry, what is done is done. People may think this commercial is clever, but they still think you’re a dick.

LBJ: What should I do? Should I be who you want me to be?
BCF:
Enough with the pity party already, LeBron. You are free to play wherever you want to play. Seriously, I mean that. It’s not up to us where you wanted to play. It was up to you. Just don’t be salty or shocked that what you wanted doesn’t match up with the legacy you wanted.

You can determine your career, LeBron. But it is your fans that determine your legacy.

– Sam Toth





Texas Chainsaw Massaquoi

7 09 2010

Image test: My Fantasy football team name. This one beat out “Yellow Polka Dot Mangini” and, ironically, “No Punt Intended” by a hair.

Any other good fantasy team names out there? Particularly interested in Cleveland ones…





Circus Ringleader: LeBron Analyses Out of Control

8 06 2010

The Clock of Doom that has been ticking inside Cavaliers fans’ heads for four years now is finally approaching its end—an end that seems terrifyingly closer now that the Cavs have yet again flopped out of the playoffs, Mike Brown has been fired, Danny Ferry has resigned, and Dan Gilbert has officially embarked on his expected warpath to find the next Cavaliers head coach.

All signs point to the Cavs’  front office preparing for a franchise apocalypse.

Add to all that the fact that nearly half the team’s roster (Mo Williams, Delonte West, Daniel Gibson, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Shaquille O’Neal, Jawad Williams, and that LeBron guy) is currently in limbo concerning the future status with the squad and Clevelanders’ patience and sanity are being shaved away bit by bit.

The nonstop barrage of anti-Cleveland sentiment (LeBron Photshopped into Knicks, Nets, Bulls and Heat uniforms, experts’ perceived chances of LBJ staying in Cleveland dwindling daily, etc.) seen, read, and heard in sports media isn’t helping people in Cleveland feel optimistic about the city’s basketball (and economic) future, either.

Yes, the Cavaliers’ season and foreseeable future hit an official tailspin after Game 5 of the Boston series.

And yes, the certifiable nationwide circus that began and snowballed since season’s end was certainly expected.

But this is beginning to get a bit out of hand. Read the rest of this entry »





Ferry Ships Out Of Town: Cleveland GM Resigns, and its affect on the Cavs

7 06 2010

With the resignation of Danny Ferry this afternoon, the future of the Cavs is thrown into an even deeper uncertainty.

To make an irrelevant YouTube clip relevant, check out this clip:

I think this kind of sums up the Cavaliers off-season right now. It’s utter chaos. The two teetor-totters are like the Coach Search and the GM Search. What makes it all go is the bull, which in this case is obviously LeBron James. Dan Gilbert is like the owner of the rodeo — he makes more money if the bull has its way and comes back for more next week.

Did that make any sense? I swear it did in my head.

Moving on, here are all the questions I’m asking myself after Danny Ferry’s resignation: Read the rest of this entry »





Terrifyingly Troubling Tribe: I’m About To “Pull A Drennan”

2 06 2010

I think I’m close.

You know the mental state you have to be in to break down like Bruce Drennan did?

Jason Donald beating out an infield single to break up a no-hit bid in the top of the 9th inning.

I’m close.

I just sat at the bar and watched the Indians come oh so close to being no hit, nay pitched perfectly against. Armando Galarraga almost found himself in the company of Ubaldo Jimenez, Dallas Braden, and Roy Halladay – all whom have thrown no hitters this season (Braden and Halladay’s were perfect games).

If it weren’t for Jason Donald’s infield single(!) in the top of the 9th, the Tribe would have been on the opening segment of Sports Center. And when I say infield single what I mean is botched call by the umpire. Read the rest of this entry »





Manny Acta: Baseball Mastermind?

2 06 2010

I’ve already made it clear in “Acta’n a Fool” that I’m a HUGE Manny Acta fan. His masterful coaching against the Yankees on May 31st is a perfect example of the kind of astonishing strategy that Tribe fans should expect from him and that he made a name for himself by in Washington.

"ARod, your stats look like they could use a pick-me-up. May I be of some service?"

In fact, the coaching he did is valuable testament to the kind of impact managing has on a baseball game and is why the position is so damn important.

In the 7th inning, down only 1 run to the New York Yankees, Acta made the astute choice to just end the game. Read the rest of this entry »